Being Invisible

I didn’t grow up fat or even chubby.  I didn’t start to gain weight until about my Senior year in High School.  So most of my middle and high school years I spent feeling…well, pretty…not to the point of cockiness in any way…I just didn’t feel ugly.  Then about the end of my Senior year, I started to gain weight.  I know now that that was because I have this lovely little disease called PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) but I’m sure it didn’t help that I loved food so much and I liked (still do!) a lot of it.  But I grew up generally healthy and in good shape.  I felt confident.

But when I started to gain weight, little by little, that confidence began to chip away, and I became more of a behind the scenes person than a front and center person.  I became the friend with a great personality; funny and fun to hang around with, but definitely less assured.  I have always been a happy person but my ability to really see all the great stuff about me, started to diminish as my exterior began to grow and I wanted less and less to be an assertive go-getter and more and more just to sit back and observe. Confidence is something that just oozes out of people, and I lacked the ooze. 

When you start to try to disappear into the scenery, people start to let you.  People who don’t know you and how fun you are, just judge you for the person you are portraying.  That person I was portraying was a fat version of me.  It is so very true that even though fat people take up a lot more space, they are practically invisible.  There are a few things I’m very thankful to my fat for and one of them is the ability to see the world from a healthy person’s standpoint and then, oppositely, from the safety of my thick cocoon.  

When you are invisible, you gain the ability to gauge people more; their reactions to certain things, their reactions to you.  A lot of people, and funny enough mostly males, would practically look right through me or not make eye contact with me.  Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t trying to meet men, I have been happily married for almost 19 years (all of my fat years!), but I’m talking about in a work environment or other social settings.  My biggest observations came at work.  Sometimes I would pass one of these shallow people in the hallway and if they were new to the company, they had no idea who I was.  I was just another fat girl walking the hallway; they wouldn’t even acknowledge me.  I bring up the fact that they were new because for most of my career life, I have been blessed to be able to work alongside and support the leaders of my companies.  This is not a glamorous job in any way, but it’s at the right hand of very successful people; people that others look up to.  And we all know that there are people out there that can be impressed by positions of power.  The funny thing is that the same people who would pass me in the hallway and ignore me would change their tunes immediately once they found out who I worked with.  Suddenly, I was SOMEone!  Not JUST the fat chick in the hall.  In my mind, who I worked with had nothing to do with the real me, so what was the big effing deal??  But over and over, it was.  The same people whose faces showed indifference to me, were now amiable, and I was no longer fully unnoticeable.  To see the change in their behavior was so very interesting to me.

In social settings, I could also observe how people reacted to others.  How people looked, or didn’t look at each other, how they engaged or didn’t engage others, and how your exterior really is what people (yes, all of us…good, bad, and indifferent) react to.  

What I’m long-windedly trying to say, is that being invisible allows you the ability to really sit back and observe people more fully and it truly was a gift that was handed to me.

Because I also learned and witnessed how WONDERFUL people are.  Not only do you get to see negativity, but you also get to see the true selves of those people who have huge, wonderful, accepting hearts…that SEE you for the person that you are…or the ones that have been there through it all.  The ones who see “before” pictures of you and say, “You have always been beautiful” or “I never saw you as an overweight person; you’ve always just been you.”  My ears ring with words of praise like this…because at the heart of everything that is ME, no matter how big or how small my exterior is…when all is said and done…I want to have lived my life as a loving, strong, giving, happy person.  And that means that I am.

So my confidence is slowly coming back.  And interestingly enough, it’s not even about the weight I’ve lost…it’s actually more about things I’ve been able to conquer in my fitness life that helped me the most.  To meet my old fears (which actually came with that old lack of confidence) head on and punch them smack in the face.  And while my confidence is building, I think a lot about what being fat taught me.  Most people might become bitter and resentful, but I don’t feel that way at all.  I mean, I wish that I didn’t know that there can be super shallow people in the world – but what I did learn was invaluable.  It’s the old saying:  It truly is what’s on the inside that counts.

My NSV this week is that reminder.

Just Get Through Today

So many of you ask me how I do this and the truth is that it is hard. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and it is the ONE thing that I never thought I could do…ever. I have fallen in love with fitness but I will always struggle with food.

The truth is that I am a food addict…and I will be a recovering food addict for the rest of my life. Each and every single meal, I fight with this little devil inside that says, “That’s not enough.” Old Jenn would look at proper portions and immediately think, “Pssshhht, is that the kiddie size?” Before I even started eating, I wanted my plate to be full. Or when I tried to pack my healthy lunches, I would have the best intentions with a low calorie microwaveable meal (because for some reason I thought THAT was healthy??) and before lunch even came around, I was already planning on what else I could have with it. I like big portions and I cannot lie. Even now, when I go to the bakery to get my coveted weekly bagel, I pick the biggest one.

I have a food addiction. When you have an addiction what do the experts say? They don’t tell you to “cut back” or “cut down.” Yet, the experts tell US if we want to lose weight and get healthy that we need to control our portions: Hey big girl, just have one. Ummm, if I knew how to do that, would my ass be this big??

What I am trying to express is that when you are addicted to food, you have to tell yourself not to overdo it...as you are eating...and then NOT overdo it! I struggle every day, even now. I am always going to want more than I should have. BUT the difference now is that I’m stronger than the urge and I get stronger every time I overcome it. Sometimes I do lose the battle, but I pick myself right back up and I get right back on track. That’s part of winning, too. Don’t let yourself get discouraged, just get right back to it. Every little thing you do makes a huge difference. It’s not always easy, believe me, but you have to want to be healthy more than you want the temporary satisfaction of that one meal. I am so much stronger now, and when I have the urge to eat lots of food, I eat my BAS (Big Ass Salad). So cliché, right? Who wants a big ass salad? I do actually. I love eating healthy. There is something so very satisfying in knowing that you’ve stuffed yourself full of only good things.

Just do your best. Start with breakfast, start with lunch, start with dinner. Just start. You just have to get through today.

Bacon & NSV Thursday!

Bacon & Butter.

Do I have your attention?

So you know how I've been plugging along on this whole weight loss trip? Annnnd, somewhere along the line, it became more about being healthy than trying to get to a certain number?  Okay yes, that whole "I-shouldn't-really-care-about-the-number-part" just recently happened, but it's happening, so stick with me here, I do actually have a point.

Anywho...what I'm also learning is that there are certain things that I should be eating that I have been avoiding because they were low-fat or light.  I was mostly concentrating on eating a certain number of calories and even that took a little while to figure out because it takes some tweaking and trial and error.  I finally found my number this year (1,700) and it seemed to work because I lost 30 pounds this year going from 225lbs to 195lbs.  I arrived in Onederland, and it was amazing!  I lost the weight because I was a freak about planning, preparing, being organized, pretty strict with my calories and I worked out like a crazy person.  That works if you have that kind of time.  And I did have the time this year.  Although I do admit that there were things I missed out on that I didn't make time for because, let's face it, this shizz is exhausting.


The thing is, I don't have that kind of time anymore.  One of my resolutions is that I am going to have less stress in my life.  Yes, I know that I cannot control some stressors, but I am SOOO one of those people that causes my own stress.  So I'm trying to be nicer to myself and just re-freaking-lax.  And, I just started my graduate program and I'm super busy, ya'll.  I'm very excited about the program because when I'm done I'll have my Masters in Sports & Health Management.  I will have an honest to goodness degree in Health Management and I couldn't be more psyched to learn and incorporate health in my overall life plan.


So, because I'm a psycho-planner and just an overall psycho in general (and let's admit you can't just snap your fingers and make that shit go away), earlier this Fall, I started to think about how I was going to keep up the same pace with school starting and the truth is that there was no way.  BUT, I HAVE to continue my healthy journey, there is no negotiating on this.  It is my priority and I will not put it on the back burner.  But how was I going to do it?


I started researching how to make the most of my workouts and the things that continuously came up were high intensity interval training (HIIT) workouts.  This is a form of cardio training where you perform cycles of high intensity bursts and low to moderate intensity recovery.  For example, you may jog or walk for 60 seconds and then sprint for 30 seconds and do this for a cycle of 6-8 times.  AND, it only takes about 20-30 minutes of your time.  Some recent studies are showing that these types of workouts compared to hours of cardio at the gym may be more beneficial to us.  There are additional studies showing that too much cardio can actually be bad for you, too.  I am willing to try this, even though I'm a cardio junkie and I am still trying to wrap my head around working out less.


So, back to bacon and butter.  I'm also learning that I need to incorporate more FATS (yeeks!) into my diet.  What?!  But fat has calories???  I mean...it's FAT.  But yes, we need fat in our lives, people.  We're talking good-for-you fats, like almonds, avocado, eggs, and even real butter.  So fat I will eat, I guess.   I mean, it's okay for me to have butter, half & half, bacon AND bacon fat??!!  I kid you not, I'm seriously freaked out by all this!


But, I'm willing to give this a whirl because I honestly need to be able to have more time in my life.  So, stay tuned to see if this little experiment works!  BTDubs, I have had bacon 3 times since Monday.


My NSV this week is a little convoluted but the bottom line is that I'm trying to stress less, workout less and eat more fat because "THEY" say it's okay...we'll see!  Totally shaking my head....


Check out this week's recipe - Garlic Lime Shrimp...with butter sauce.