November 5, 2012 - Happy 1 Year!

Happy 1 year anniversary to the new me!  I began my healthy journey on November 5th, 2011.  It wasn't a significant day, I didn't make a big sweeping declaration, I don't even remember much about the day or why I chose it really.  I just wrote my weight down on a piece of paper along with the date.  It turns out it was a significant date; my new life began on that day and now it'll be a big part of not only who I am becoming but who I will ultimately become.

So here I am, one year later, and 43lbs lighter.  On one hand I am so very unbelievably proud of myself - FORTY THREE pounds!  I only HOPED when I started this that I would be successful, and I have been!  But on the other, I think...only 43?  I could have lost more.  But that hand might be left over from the old me; the one who didn't think I could do this...that pessimistic bitch that still lives inside me.  I hope she's the next big thing I lose, because she's getting on my last fat nerve. 

A few weeks ago I got the best compliment from my biggest supporter, darling Hubby.  I was having a bad day and told him that sometimes I worry that the old me will come back...I honestly felt like she was lurking around the corner.  It was one of those days where I felt like I could eat anything and everything, and it was all I wanted to do and that scared me.  He listened patiently like he always does and then when I said, "What if I can't do this?" he looked at me incredulously and said, "HOW??!  How can you even think that you're that person anymore?  Every single thing you do is different than the old you...you don't look the same way, you don't act the same way, you don't eat the same way, you don't cook the same way, you don't even THINK the same way!"  And it hit me like a ton of bricks that HE didn't even know that old me anymore, and that who I WAS is not who I AM anymore.  PS:  EVERYONE has days when they feel like they can eat everything in sight...even super skinny people.  So don't beat yourself up on those days.  Try to make wise choices, and if you make a few bad ones, suck it up and move on.  One bad day does not ruin your success.

So I'm 1/3 of the way to my goal...you can do the math.  When I get there, I'll be almost half of my previous self.  This fall has been slow, I've lost and gained the same 4lbs since August.  I know that it was a few visits from friends and family, vacations and fun weekends.  And I wouldn't give back one minute.  I said when I started this trip that I was going to enjoy life and enjoy the journey...and sometimes that means just chalking it up to life itself.  I had fun this Fall...THAT'S what I'm taking away from it.  As Hubby always says, "It's not a race to get there - just get there."  The old me would have quit and said, "Well, I tried, but guess it's not meant to happen."  I KNOW I'm not that person anymore...:) 

Still, I'm constantly trying to figure out what works best for me.  I workout like a crazy person, and I don't always lose.  But honestly, I just love working out so much that it doesn't frustrate me like it used to.  I do need to figure something out to get past this though, because obviously I have a ways to go.  A funny thing happened this past week. I hurt my foot and couldn't workout as much as I normally do and I spent the week just watching what I ate...not so much worrying about the exercising...and I lost 3.3lbs.  You see what I mean?  It's constant trial and error.

The biggest thing I have learned up to this point is that even though my plan is counting calories, it is not as simple as calories in and calories out.  And if someone tries to tell you that it is, please have them come and talk to me.  It's about the KINDS of calories that you are putting into your body and the amount of calories each of us needs to burn fat (and everyone's calories needs are different).  400 cookie calories are not the same as 400 lean protein calories.  It. Makes. A. Difference.

More than anything, I feel the greatest pleasure just living a healthy life and being in control of food vs. being controlled by food.  It is the most empowering feeling I have ever experienced...and it feels amazing.  I love this quote:  If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up.  I cannot see myself ever giving up again.  I'm looking forward to many more November 5ths.

October 12, 2012

Today was a good day.  It's the start of a week off from work which is always wonderful.  I started my morning by going to a 3 hour Zumba Marathon with my friend, Maria, and even though we planned to stay for only 2 hours, we had so much fun, we did the the entire thing.  It was great!  And I burned a ton of calories.  Afterwards, I got home and hubby and I ran some errands and I finally got to go shopping for some new, SMALLER, clothes.  (after a month, I finally got past this latest plateau, yay!)  Even though I was exhausted from this morning, I am never too tired to shop :)  This is the first time in a whole lotta years that I've actually found clothes that not only fit, but that flatter.  Normal-sized people have the luxury of being choosey when they are shopping.  Yes, I understand that most times we ALL scrutinize ourselves, but when you're plus-sized, you are at the mercy of what is available to you...and let me tell you, that's not a lot.  I had even tried the plus-size section of Nordstrom, thinking that Nordstrom buyers would surely relate to our perils...nope.  Even Nordstrom thinks that us big girls ADORE fluorescent colored flowers on our clothing.  And don't get me started on the fact that if you are large, the designers then assume that you are also TALL...the old me was always on a perpetual hunt for fashionable, petite plus-sized clothing.  It's pretty much non-existent...

SOooo to be able to have CHOICES like I did today was so much fun for me.  I got some great stuff!!  I told Hubby that he was in for some trouble...with so many options, he better start saving his money.

As I said, today was a good day.  Because the last few days has been a little hard for me.  One year ago on October 18th, I lost an old friend who passed away from ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease).  My friend was only 40 years old and had a beautiful wife and three amazing kids.   I was so lucky to be able to spend time with him over the last 3 years of his life...however, each time we visited, his health declined drastically.  But we had some great chats and tons of laughs.  He never forgot to remind me to enjoy life.  The last time I saw him was 3 weeks before he passed away.  It affected me very deeply.  But I have my old friend to thank for who I have become this past year.  I thought, and think, about him a lot.  I know that he would have done ANYTHING he could have to try to fight that horrible disease.  But as you know, there was nothing he could do.  I realized that being 40 and obese was also a disease...only I was living a slow death...and I COULD do something about it...I could save my own life.  If my friend was here, he would tell me not to waste it.  I feel like I owe it to him - and to every person who has passed away after such a short life - to fight to live.  To not waste the time that I have here.  You could say this for not only losing weight, but also for not worrying about little things, enjoying every single day, appreciating your loved ones, and being kind to others.  Live a good, quality life.  I want him to know that I am not going to waste this life.  That was the beginning of the new me.  And if the time comes that I get lazy, or slack off, I will think of him, and I will get my ass off the couch and move it.  RIP, and thank you, JB.

October 10, 2012

It's been a few weeks since I've journaled, only because I have had a lot going on at work and lots of visitors in town - no offense to my followers, but I love my family and friends and they came to visit so I HAD to make a choice!  You understand :)

We have had a mild Fall but the weather changed for us a few days ago and we are now into the "long pant" phase of the season...although Hubby is the last of the holdouts and will probably wear shorts until Thanksgiving.

Anyway, I'm stuck in a plateau again and just plugging along like I know I'm supposed to do.  But a funny thing happened the other day.  It was jeans day at work, and again it's cool outside, so I grabbed my "skinniest" pair of long jeans from last season and threw them on...they were baggy.  And not just a little loose...but saggy-butt-baggy...and I needed a belt.  I don't own belts...thing is, when you're fat, you don't need one and you're certainly not tucking your shirts in to show off a cool, fun, belt. 

So, back to the baggy jeans...all I can say is that I've heard about this moment happening to other people, have outwardly cheered for them, and secretly longed for the feeling myself...I am here to tell you that it was exactly as I had imagined it to be, and more...it was euphoric.

So even though my stupid enemy, the Scale, is not being nice to me (Bitch!), I can laugh in her face and shake my baggy jeans at her - ha!

It's a pretty great feeling.

The next fun phase:  shopping for new jeans...oh, and maybe a cute belt.