It's been a little while since I've posted here on my journey and in truth, there isn't too much exciting that has been going on. I'm still just plugging away here, doing my thing.
That's sort of the thing about healthy living, isn't it? Not a whole lot of exciting things that are new to report, just living it day to day.
And that's kind of what I wanted to touch on today. Recently, I posted on Facebook that I had been fighting my Inner Fat Girl a lot this Winter...mentally it's been tough. I haven't fallen off the wagon or gone too far astray, but for a little while there (about 8 weeks), she was pretty loud in my head. And mostly just about food - it's always about food for me - and she wanted some really tempting stuff! I tried not to listen to her but do you know how hard it is to fight that bitch every single day?! I did it, though, I fought her and she's FINALLY shut the Hell Up for the time being.
When you're fighting like that in your head, it's exhausting and over the course of the past few weeks, I've started to analyze where the exhaustion comes from. Now, I have told you all how much I love food. If I had a better metabolism, let me tell you, this whole "getting healthy" thing may not have happened...I would have been happy just strutting along with my lithe body eating bagels and pizza and baked goods for the rest of my life. But alas...
After analyzing, and admittedly over analyzing, I realized it's because I have this worry in my head that everyone has this expectation of me. I KNOW that I've made it up in my head; nobody has time to worry about me when we're all just trying to get through our days, but it's there, that worry. This blog has been a blessing and a curse. I started it for accountability, and over the course of time, it has honestly been a huge support system for me - I love how much support I get from my fellow bloggers and followers. But on the other hand, I think that's where the expectation part comes in...in my head everyone is watching and waiting for me to succeed. And how great is that??? It's AMAZING; everyone is rooting for you. But the thing is, I don't always succeed...some days I fail...and so in my head, there's a feeling of failure...and maybe it's not so much about failure, but maybe a feeling like I'm disappointing people?
Some days I get through the day and there's this feeling of relief that I conquered another day...like I ran a marathon and I just hit the finish line. Then I get up and do it again the next day...oddly, my "best" weeks are the ones where I get to the weekend having done amazingly all week...again, I breathe a sigh of relief. But do you see where the exhaustion comes in?? I need to slow down and just do what I have to do without trying to just get through the day.
And so I analyze and analyze some more...and what I've come to realize is that this journey is long...it's hard...and there are times when I feel like I'm starting over again and again...but the thing I need to keep reminding myself is that I am not on a journey to a certain destination; it is not something I have to do for the time being. I am on a journey to live a healthy life for the REST of my life.
I have been working hard for over two years and I'm more than halfway to the goal weight I set out to achieve in the beginning...but somewhere along the way, I'm starting to realize that what I do every day is what's important. It's not only going to help me get there, it will help me stay there, and I will be able to sustain it for a lifetime.
And as far as disappointing people, I am working hard at getting over that. I am proud of how far I've come...I did it for me. I need to keep reminding myself of that. It's corny but I read a lot of quotes; some of them are so profound, aren't they? And lately, I've been seeking out the quotes about happiness and being kind to myself and hope and possibilities. Because isn't that what we all are hoping to achieve out of life? I am so beyond blessed with the most amazing supportive husband, and wonderful friends and family. I'm also extremely grateful for all of the support I've found through blogging. THOSE are the things that I'm going to nurture.
Of course I'm going to keep on doing what I love: working out and eating delicious, healthy food. But I'm also going to work out and eat some delicious, not-so-healthy food, too.
Most of all: I'm going to work on cutting myself some slack and letting it go!
And yes, I do realize that after typing this entire post, somehow I've inadvertently referenced Frozen...